I have to first say that it’s been hard maintaining the blog on my end this Ramadan. I can’t exactly pin-point what entirely it is… The last couple of days I have been out and about celebrating Rosie’s birthdate with her (yay!) which has thrown off my at-home schedule a bit; my sleep has also been wonky. I’m normally the #1 sleeper (I can knock out anywhere and anytime) but ever since I returned from SF, I’ve been getting to bed no earlier than 1am – bananas!
And more than all these excuses, I’ve been feeling uninspired? I feel sacrilegious saying such a thing and I ask God to forgive me for it. This time, this month does feel significantly different – no doubt! I think most/many parts of me are/is trying to peg the major lessons and take-always still… I/we are ever evolving in our endurance of will and spirit.
In the last couple of days I’ve been struggling with interactions with a co-worker that have left me unsettled. The unsettled feelings leave me asking people around me “what the fuck?” I don’t like cursing but I’m being honest – literally, our last interaction with her blinking coldly in my face to my chipper and enthusiastic “hello ______” tested something deep inside me.
Sadly (on my end), in that moment, I turned to a very dark place, and had I been fasting, I am most certain that I would have broken it with my gossip and anger. Feelings of dismissal trigger deep wounds within me…
The next day at work, I returned to my colleague who received me after our interaction and I said to her that the exchange and this person would be the focus of my next blog – and most certainly what she stirs in me needs to be the focus of this month (both spiritually and in therapy).
In such moments, I have a hard time grounding myself… I fail at asking myself, “what is meant here for me to learn?” or even, “why Wazina – why does this really matter?”
I turned to the Quran a bit and would like much more to explore hadiths to explore this more… Allah guides us to consider affection and kindness still to those who feel like opponents. This feels hard and easy at the same time. This feels like a daunting and exciting task actually… Something/everything challenging about what it would take to pass this seemingly big hurdle… But I believe that Allah offers each of us so much more endurance of spirit than we even know.